Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
