I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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