Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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