Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
