meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
