well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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