you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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