Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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