I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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