i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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