we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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