I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize