i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
