im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
