smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
