I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
FUCK WHALES
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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