it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
