New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
