god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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