Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
