Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
