I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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