You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
