Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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