It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
