i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
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