Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
