dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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