You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize