happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
