The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I AM VODKA MAN
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
