At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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