So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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