did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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