I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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