The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
