the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
sex in a hospital.. check
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
