Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
