Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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