I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
