your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I cannot find my penis.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Boobs speak an international language.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize