doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
