just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So apparently I’m into choking now
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