Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
