Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
