Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize