its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
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