I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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