Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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