The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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