just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
