He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
