there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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