How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
