FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
