All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
