I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
