it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
