Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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